#10. Get Your Shine On By: Florida Georgia Line Year End Position # 94
Country music went under a major change in 2013. For many fans of country, 2013 was the year of "bro-country" where artists basically made country-themed club hits. It was a huge success with Florida Georgia Line being at the forefront of the movement. I bring this up, because if you lived in America in 2013, this band was inescapable. Their smash hit, Cruise, was played on radio stations constantly and finished as the number 9 song of the year. Now, while I don't like Cruise that much, I discovered during my listening of the year end hot 100 this forgotten little jewel. Or should I call it a forgotten little turd. Look, I brought up that mini-country lesson for one reason; I hated "bro-country". The country stations were filled with fist-bumping tail-gating jerks who wanted to show you how unimpressive they really were. Sure there are artists like Lady Antebellum, Darius Rucker, and Miranda Lambert who had country hits in 2013 by making actual country music, it was this sub-genre of country that rose through the rest and demanded to be overplayed. Heck, there was this video posted not too long ago aptly titled "Why Country Music was Awful in 2013". Guess who appears in that video? Almost every relevant country artist today. If "bro-country" is one thing, it's unoriginal. You could tell exactly what would be said in the next verse; the signer would talk about how tight this girl's jeans are and how we wanted to pick her up in his beat up pick-up truck to go to their nearby watershed to gaze up at the stars and drink a beer or two. However, if I hated this so much, why'd I put Get Your Shine On at number 10 and not put Cruise? Well, Cruise has one thing going for it - it's absolutely stupid. To me, I'm fine with party jams that are incredibly stupid, which is why The Fox and Harlem Shake won't be on this list. Cruise also has Nelly featured, which works too because Nelly is just too ridiculous to not enjoy. Get Your Shine On only made it to number 10 here, because even though Tyler Hubbard's voice is really annoying and the music is just awful, it's more so my hatred for everything it represents that made me list it here. Don't worry, I'll get into the worst of "bro-country" later, but for now, I'm just glad no one will ever remember this piece of junk.
#9. I Love It By: Icona Pop feat. Charlie XCX Year End Position # 28
You love it? Well I sure don't. Icona Pop is a Swedish House duo that formed back in 2009, but didn't break through the mainstream until this past year. Unfortunately, their breakthrough in the mainstream meant that we had to listen to them in other places of the world. I know Icona Pop and especially this song have received a lot of praise worldwide, but I just don't see the rage. To me, I Love It represents the absolute worst of EDM. Y'see, the genres called EDM because it stands for Electronic Dance Music. To fail as an EDM song is to fail at one of its core elements, which is being freaking dance music. The only dance I can think of that's appropriate for I Love It is either the depressed sigh, the emotionless stop-what-your-doing-and-just-lie-there, or the Harlem Shake. This awful hook that's repeated ad infinitum isn't remotely interesting and doesn't make me want to get up and lose it. This makes me want to lie down and cry miserably. Also, this song is supposedly a "break-up song" but the only reason I'm sure their ex-boyfriends broke up with them is that they realized they were making such horrible music. Apparently the person they must've broken up with was stuck in the 70's while the singer is from the 90's. Ok, either they're dating people way older than them, or both of these people don't realize that their respective decades ended a long time ago. I Love It also has a lot in common with The Motto, in which they both seem to negatively influence culture. Doing something horrible that will probably get you arrested isn't easily backed up in court by shouting "I don't care, officer. I love it!" Oh, and one more thing. How the hell do you crash your car into a bridge!? That one line wouldn't be such a problem if 1. it wasn't repeated so many times and 2. is the line everyone remembers. Bridges I'm sure can't be "crashed into" often. I mean, what is there to crash into with a bridge? If you're a bridge over water, then trying to crash into it with a car won't work easily. It couldn't be that they were in a plane or a boat when they crashed their car into a bridge, because planes and boats aren't cars. If it's a bridge over a highway, that might be plausible. However, by doing that (several times mind you) you're endangering the lives of many people, and to just watch it burn wouldn't make sense since you'll probably be arrested by the cops by causing a major highway accident.
#8. Started From The Bottom By: Drake Year End Position # 32
Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrriiiiiinnnnnnggggg. This is perhaps the most repetitive song I've ever heard. Look, I thought it was common knowledge that you can only repeat the same words or phrase throughout an entire song if and only if you are part of Daft Punk. If not, then the end result might be something like this. Look, after listening to pop music for much of my life, I've definitely realized a few recurring truths. One of these truths is that the more you tell us that you're something, the more apparent it'll be that you're not that said something. This is ever so true with Drake. The more you tell us that you started from the bottom, the more we'll believe that obviously you're just trying to pull our legs. Drake, we all know where you started from. You started by acting in Degrassi at the age of 15. But I'm not going to spend the rest of this paragraph ranting about you not really having it rough, I'd rather just say that if anyone else but Drake made this song it would still fail. The main problem with Started From The Bottom is that it's a dreadfully boring and lazy song. No artist would be able to save this, not Drake or Lil Wayne or Eminem or Katy Perry or Freddie Mercury or Elvis Costello or Beethoven or Justin Timberlake or anyone. I'm surprised I've been able to write this much for something that's so boring, and that's what Started From The Bottom comes down to. It's a song that's so boring that it offends me with how monotonous it is.
#7. Come and Get It By: Selena Gomez Year End Position # 33
A big trend in 2013 pop music was that child stars had newfound fame. Miley Cyrus bounced back into relevancy, Ariana Grande had her first top 10 hit, and Selena Gomez released this. As you can clearly see, I'm not much of a fan. But what astounds me about Come and Get It is that three people wrote it (of course Selena Gomez is not one of them) and has some of the stupidest lyrics I've ever heard. I'm tired of pop artists using "It" to refer to their genitals. However, in this case I don't think "It" refers explicitly to someone's genital area, I think it more so refers to her strong affection with someone. If of course this strong affection is from someone who is a raging manic depressive, which is exactly how Selena Gomez comes off. Come and Get It is nothing more than a stupid child star's love song trying to become a sex jam, which in the process doesn't become either. The end product is just an annoying hit which, of course, ended up going to number 6 in the top 10. What a waste of effort.
#6. I Knew You Were Trouble. By: Taylor Swift Year End Position # 16
Oh, how we will never be able to take Taylor Swift seriously again. Taylor Swift is no longer a country artist, I think that much is obvious. She left her chosen field long ago. Not that there's anything wrong with switching up genres, hell one of my favorite bands is Ween and they're known to have switched genres on almost every album, but to be still marketed as everyone's cute country gal still to this day is misleading. If Taylor Swift ever created a time machine and went back to her 18 year old self when she was just getting recognized and wanted to scare herself from making music, all she would need to do is play this song. In one move she immediately became everything people had been calling her for years. Most of my friends all criticized her for making too many break up songs and having too many relationships, but I didn't think it was a huge problem. I felt that perhaps her heart may've been broken too many times, and if she wanted to write a hit song after hit song about her failed relationships, then fine. Why not? Until I Knew You Were Trouble was made and slapped everyone straight in the face. Look, there's just one slight very minor problem (obvious sarcasm) that I have with I Knew You Were Trouble. If you freaking knew he was trouble then WHY DID YOU DATE HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE!? It's just that part there, right there that sets me off. You make every break up and every relationship look like a merry walk in the park with that line. I Knew You Were Trouble makes me sincerely doubt you've ever had a major breakup or been around people who are going through major break-ups. This makes a break-up sound like just another one of Taylor Swift's fantasies, and it gets me angry. And what does it say about a song where a goat makes a cover and becomes just as popular as the actual song? For those who don't know, around the time that this song came out, some genius out there mashed up the chorus with a goat yelling. The result was hilarious, and made everyone question who was the better singer; the goat or Taylor Swift? I for one believe that goat deserves a Grammy. Taylor Swift; an artist who in one move, made everyone question themselves for ever buying into her music.
#5. Summertime Sadness By: Lana Del Rey & Cedric Gervais Year End Position # 45
Oh how EDM was huge in 2013. However, I should reiterate that it's not so much "EDM" but more so "EBM" which I like to think stands for electronic boring music. Summertime Sadness may have a horrible remix by Cedric Gervais, whom I've never heard of before. But, my hatred for this song isn't just from the terrible remix, but also from the original. Yes, I'm going to take a stab at Ms. Moaning Myrtle herself, Lana Del Rey. Now, I'm someone who's never liked Lana Del Rey since she's been out. Her music's too sad for me to get into for the most part, and strangely her voice is too powerful. That's usually something I would never complain about, but I get this sudden feeling that all of her songs are recorded in a deep dark cave. At least, that's what it sounds like. But, without listening to Ms. Del Rey constantly, I can say with certainty that Summertime Sadness is her worst song. Or should I call it Summertime Loudness, because that's what it sounds like? It tells the tale of two people who end up jumping off a cliff or something, but I'm too uninterested to wait and find out. Her voice is surprisingly the worst part of this song. Even as a non-Lana Del Rey fan, I can't help but be disappointed with how emotionless she sounds. She constantly takes the Miley Cyrus route and ends up going into chipmunk mode. Lana Del Rey, the woman who roared how she was born to die sounds almost as bad as Miley Cyrus on her own songs. Summertime Sadness has nothing to do with summertime, and it could've worked just as well being called Wintertime Wallows or Autumn Agony. Actually, those sound like pretty awesome names. However, obviously the original didn't chart highly until it was remixed by Cedric Gervais, thus causing Summertime Sadness to wind up into one of my least favorite genres of the past year, EBM. There were so many songs that were just about everything but dancing that somehow were made as EDM and wore off so quickly. Some other examples are just about everything Calvin Harris has made and just about everything David Guetta has made. I hate this kind of music and it's not that I hate EDM, just the lame attempts people make so often now in pop music. I originally wanted to fill this list with nothing but EDM and a few others, but I just had to pick a couple of the worst. So, it is without a doubt that Summertime Sadness should be crowned as the worst EDM song of the year, but far from the worst of the year.
#4. We Can't Stop By: Miley Cyrus Year End Position # 17
Uggghhhhh... Miley Cyrus was inescapable in the second half of 2013. How could someone go from practically irrelevant just a few years ago to becoming so controversial and widespread that even major news sites cover everything she does once again? 2013 was a big year for Miley Cyrus. Her performance at the VMA's shocked the world, she had her family's first number 1 hit, she also released We Can't Stop, an utterly unforgivable song about partying of course. Now, I wanna make something clear. Miley Cyrus may have a horrible singing voice, and that wailing she does at the end doesn't make this any more listenable or appealing for me, but she is not the reason I put this song so high on this list. No, the main driving force behind We Can't Stop is a man known commonly by the absurdly stupid name of Mike Will Made It. Mike Will Made It is a producer who's produced hits for several artists including: 2 Chainz, Ciara, Lil Wayne, Rihanna, and Miley Cyrus obviously. I bring up his existence for one main reason; he is by far my least favorite producer in pop music right now. Every song he makes has to have 2 major features in common: the music is absolutely awful, and the music is dreadfully boring. He knows how to make the right combination of terrible and boring music and incorporates it into just about everything he makes. He produced several hits this past year, not a single one I liked, and some that were very close to making this list. I for one like to call him the anti-Pharrell Williams, mainly because Pharrell Williams is famous for making actual fun music, and not this boring crap. We Can't Stop fails as a party song, because it's just not fun enough to be a party song, and it's also slightly depressing. The whole feeling of not being able to stop paints itself well for some crazed party addict who is social because they have to, and not to have fun. Also, the chosen artist makes this feel so unclean. This was originally a song to be made by Rihanna. Now, while that would've shocked no one and probably would've still made my worst list, it only comes off as more depressing being made by Miley Cyrus. I mean, this is a person who was once the Disney starlet Hannah Montana, who's now making a song which explicitly describes using drugs such as Molly and Cocaine. Wow do they grow up fast. Miley's return to fame has been shocking to most, and absolutely awful and unlistenable for the rest of us.
#3. Scream and Shout By: will.i.am feat. Britney Spears Year End Position # 23
Fuck you will.i.am. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you will.i.am. Fuck this song, fuck everything about you will.i.am. I'm sorry, I've refrained from swearing on here for a while, but I had to break that barrier sometime. will.i.am just pushed me over my limit. I hate everything about this fucking song, I hate everything it fucking represents, and I hate how an artist who I used to really like fucking sold out harder than anyone else in history. I'm not one to immediately call someone a sell out, and I think generally the phrase is overused. However, I know a sell out when I see one. It's impossible to go back and listen to the Black Eyed Peas knowing that one of them eventually turned into the monster known as will.i.am. will.i.am's had a surprisingly successful career after the second hiatus of the Black Eyed Peas. He teamed up with artists like Jennifer Lopez, Nicki Minaj, and even Mick Jagger of all people. But what it comes down to is that will.i.am without the Black Eyed Peas is just will.i.am and it took me this long to realize how much I hated his music. I didn't like a single song he's released as a solo artist, and Scream and Shout is where I start to scream and shout. Not the way they want you to in the music video, but I'm screaming in pain and shouting in anger. If I wanted to listen to a good song about screaming and shouting then I'll go ahead and listen to some Tears for Fears. My main problem with Scream and Shout is that it is the epitome of what will.i.am is capable of making when he doesn't care. Luxury rap about how rich and famous he is and how I'll never be him? Sure. Add Britney Spears who adds nothing to the song? Why not? Have one of the worst beats I've ever heard, on the verge of being criminal with how shit-blastering it is. Add it on the top, it's just the average day of super-star will.i.am. I was set on making this my pick for the worst song of the year, but obviously two managed to snag the top 2 positions from will.i.am's paws. And for very good reasons.
#2. U.O.E.N.O. By: Rocko feat. Future & Rick Ross Year End Position # 87
If you know anything about this song, then you should know exactly why I put this so high on the list. U.O.E.N.O. is a song that makes my skin crawl with how much I hate it. This is the kind of music Satan would be too afraid to play on his ipod. And of course, it still made it onto the year end charts. Where to start... how about the very beginning, which has Future singing the hook. If you don't know who Future is, then consider yourself lucky. Future's a man who uses so much auto-tune, that it's nearly impossible to understand just what he's saying. Seriously, he does that in just about every song he's in and it's so annoying. But he's not why this song ranked so high. Rapper Rocko is apparently an up and coming rapper who does nothing to make himself sound different than every single other luxury rapper out there. But he's not the reason this song ranked so high. The music is... unlistenable. This has to be the least catchiest song I've ever heard. I don't even know how to describe it, but all I can say is that the music is just painful. But that's not the reason this song ranked so high. There's also the stupid name which is an acronym even worse that YOLO. UOENO stands for a slurred way of saying "You Don't Even Know It" which doesn't make sense, because they constantly tell me what I supposedly don't even know. Plus, this song is filled with so many luxury rap cliches. But that's not why this song ranked song high on the list. Then there's Rick Ross' verse, and oh boy do we have a controversial one here... Now, Rick Ross is a rapper who used to be a member of law enforcement (strange career change I know) and there's two particular lines in his verse that everyone's shitted on. They are as follows: "Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain't even know it. I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it." Now I want you to just sit there and think about it... What could Rick Ross possibly be referring to? For those who are unaware, Molly is a popular illegal drug, which Rick Ross admits to spiking a woman's champagne with and then taking her home to "enjoy that". What's even worse is that twice in this context "she ain't even know it". Now, I just want to say that I'm a man who doesn't always assume the worst, but does that sound like it could be anything else but rape? I'm not the only one to think this. Around the time that this song got popular, a petition was singed by over 70,000 people to have Reebok drop Rick Ross from being their sponsor. Ironically, because one of the first lines of Rick Ross' verse has him explaining that he'd die for his Reeboks. Also, a Rick Ross concert was canceled in protest that he "promotes rape culture" and on radio versions of this song, Rick Ross was dropped entirely and replaced with other rappers instead. Rick Ross has publicly apologized for his verse, but what doesn't change is that he wrote his verse, and he couldn't possible think to himself "Well I guess this can't backfire in anyway now could it?" He also said that the lines were not referring to rape, but your guess as to what he meant is as good as mine or anyone else's. But, Rick Ross' verse isn't even the worst part of the song. In fact, several times throughout the song all rappers talk about killing people. But, y'know what? That's not the worst part of this song. The worst part of U.O.E.N.O. is when all of these elements are put together. U.O.E.N.O. has all the elements of the worst song ever when put together, and it was very close to being chosen as my pick for the worst song of 2013. However, my pick for the worst song of 2013 isn't a luxury rap song, and it isn't an overproduced EDM song, and it isn't even something by Justin Bieber. But first, a few honorable mentions.
Honorable Mentions:
Let Her Go By: Passenger
This was originally going to be really high on the list. However, after much consideration I took it off the list entirely. Though I don't think Let Her Go is anything special, I ultimately figured that it's charting higher in 2014, and if I were to put it on a worst list I would put it on the worst list of its more relevant year.
The A Team By: Ed Sheeran
Definitely one of my least favorite songs of the past year musically. This song takes the subject of a dying prostitute and makes it sounds so damn juvenile. Also, when I hear The A Team, I expect some Mr. T; what a disappointment.
Pour It Up By: Rihanna
Mike Will Made It. I think that's all that needs to be said about this. Also, I'm really getting tired of Rihanna. I know that she has to have at least 3 songs to be on the year end charts every year, but it's getting old. I'm just glad that she didn't make We Can't Stop.
I Need Your Love & Sweet Nothing Both By Calvin Harris, former also feat. Ellie Goulding and the later feat. Florence Welch
I'm actually pretty surprised that none of these made the year end. I already ranted on my paragraph for Summertime Sadness how much I hate this kind of music, so I'll just say that these songs came really close to making the worst list.
I Will Wait By: Mumford and Sons
What's this? A folk jam thats made with real instruments that almost makes it to my worst list of all places? Yup. I honestly would've put this on the list instead of Get Your Shine On if it wasn't for the fact that I just can't pinpoint the exact reason why this song turns me off so much. Just consider it my pick for the "everyone raves about this song but I don't see the big deal" category.
Girl On Fire By: Alicia Keys feat. Nicki Minaj
Now here's a song that I should've put on the list. For one, I'm pretty sure this song only got popular because of the Hunger Games. There is nothing in Girl on Fire that warrants major popularity and it somehow has over 100 million views on YouTube. Also, I know that it's because of the Hunger Games that Girl on Fire became a hit. Now I don't have anything wrong with the Hunger Games, I just have yet to get into it. But, if this song was titled Brain Surgeon on Fire or Rock Climber on Fire or Mandarin Orange on Fire, it just wouldn't of become a hit. It's boring, Alicia Keys' voice is just too much, and the lyrics make no sense. Plus, Nicki Minaj has nothing to do with being here. Seriously, did she just lose her way into the wrong music video or something?
Stay By Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko
Boooooooooooooorrrrrriiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnggggg. Honestly, this is the most boring song of the year.
Roar By Katy Perry
Also savagely boring. I consider this the most disappointing song of the year, because Katy Perry may've not been a great artist, but she could at least make a fun pop song. This song just fails on every level. Next!
Cruise By Florida Georgia Line feat. Nelly
Look, if I would say anything bad about this song, I'd be saying the same thing everyone else has said. Nelly was the only saving grace from this bro country schlock for being just too ridiculous to not smile at.
Now without wasting any more time, let me finally present my pick for the worst song of the year. The number 1 absolute worst song of the year belongs to...
#1. That's My Kind Of Night By: Luke Bryan Year End Position # 78
Yup, my pick for the worst song of the year is one that didn't really cause any controversy. I didn't choose the offensively annoying EDM, the boring luxury rap, or anything else I put on the list (except for Get Your Shine On obviously). Nope, the song that I chose that was the absolute worst of the year was one that I'm sure most people didn't even hear unless you listen to a lot of country music. I didn't chose the poorly-recieved luxury rap song for the number 1 spot, no I felt that I needed to think long and hard as to what I think is the worst possible song of the year. To me, I put a song on the worst list not because of what other people think of it or the controversy it causes, but I put a song as the worst because there is nothing positive about it. Now, I don't like anything about U.O.E.N.O. and I doubt anyone else thinks it's a great song. However, U.O.E.N.O. at least makes me feel something. Though it might be hatred and anger, that's more than what I feel from That's My Kind Of Night. The reason I put Payphone as the worst song of 2012 wasn't very clear when I wrote it now that I think about it. I put Payphone as the worst because it was an utter void that sucked out all enjoyment I could ever have about music. I view That's My Kind Of Night the same way. There is nothing about this song that makes me feel anything. I feel like a pile of dirt after the song's over, and it is not all Luke Bryan's fault. The song was written by 3 people, none of whom were Luke Bryan. And honestly, I don't hate Luke Bryan. I actually enjoy Crash My Party (the song, I haven't listened to the album). That's My Kind Of Night is practically the sole reason why I can't listen to the country stations anymore. This is "bro country" at its worst. Does he talk about his girl and beer and his truck and hell, even catfish? All yes. Hell, the way he says catfish dinner rubs me the wrong way even worse than when Rihanna says "Shine Bright Like A Diamond". Also, who the hell owns a "diamond plate tailgate" or even brags about that? But at the end of the day, you know which one of these songs you'll be singing aloud to? Not Started From the Bottom or Summertime Sadness or I Love It, but this song. It's every kind of awful, to the point where other country artists hate it more than I do. Zac Brown of the Zac Brown band described the song as "the worst song I've ever heard". That about sums it up for me. That's My Kind Of Night might not be the absolute worst song I've ever heard, but is by far without a doubt my least favorite song of the year. A song where all emotion and feelings are replaced with douchebaggery. I'm hoping that "bro-country" dies off really soon so I can never hear this song played anywhere ever again. But there it is, the worst song of perhaps the worst sub-genre of 2013.
There you have it, the worst of the worst of 2013. A list filled with the most boring, stupid, and annoying hits of the past year. Honestly, I can see a huge change from my music tastes from the worst list for 2012. A year ago, a song would make the list easily if it had a dubstep breakdown or featured a horrible, horrible artist. Now in 2013 I saw a big change with my music tastes. For one, I decided to stop hating dubstep because I realized that there just aren't many pop hits that are dubstep and I couldn't really be a honest critic if all I lumped into the worst category was an entire genre of music. Now, of course there were plenty of songs that I hated this past year (as you can see above) but to me, 2013 was surprisingly a better year for music than 2012. Every year has its fair share of utter crap, but 2013 was the year of surprises to me. Soon I'll make my best list of the year, if there'll be anything to prove that I enjoyed this past year. Well, I hope you enjoyed this rant, and stay tuned for when I throw myself at the wolves with what I enjoyed in 2013.
